A circus is built around my pain & affliction, with the anticipation of me to fail, so that children in the market could parade in my shame.

In other communities, those with anticipated purpose are set up for success, even from youth. Before I was even born, I was already being targeted for persecution, & neglected in my calling.

I look at the mess around me, & then I see the circus, & I ask myself, how did we just allow things to go this far? & the circus whispers, ?we were waiting for you.?

They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned to you, and ye have not wept. -Luke 7:32

I didn?t always know it, but this dilemma I wrestle with is one I inherited. I?ve only just recently began to comprehend the madness through much prayer & meditation. & through this, the heart of the matter is revealed to me in spirit of the prophets saying:

& say unto him, take heed, & be quiet; fear not, neither be faint hearted for the two tails of these smoking firebrands, for the fierce anger of Rezin with Syria, & of the son of Remaliah.

Because Syria, Ephraim, & the son of Remaliah, have taken evil counsel against thee saying,

Let us go up against Judah, & vex it, & let us make a breach there-in for us, & set a king in the midst of it, even the son of Tabeal:

Thus saith the Lord God, it shall not stand, neither shall it come to pass.

For the head of Syria is Damascus, & the head of Damascus is Rezin; & with-in threescore & five years shall Ephraim be broken, that it be not a people.

& the head of Ephraim is Samaria, & the head of Samaria is Remaliah?s son. If ye will not believe, surely ye shall not be established. -Isaiah 7:4-9

& so that was then, but this is now.

Through spirit, I find it a faithful saying, that ?In the volume of the book is it written of me.? & I am a remix.

The gifts that I bear is the result of unfeigned faith. Like the prayers of my Grandmother Victoria, who, as my dad would tell it, laid her hands on me as a baby, assuring me with words saying, ?I can touch you if I want to; I waited a long time for you, Ahab.?

In the same manner, gifts that I bear are the result of learned Patience. That I?ve kept to the mother of mine own religion, who I greatly desire to see. Which also establishes a healthy conscience with-in me despite my many burdens that I may be filled with joy. (Grace, Mercy, & Peace in Light of Truth Divine.)

However despite this beautiful thing we share with grace, I am vexed as a result of it.

For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:

But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, & bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. -Romans 7:22-23

& this has been made out to become a breach in spirit.

A holy fury has been poured on me, which did set me on fire round about. Yet I knew not, & it burned me. Whereby my conscience howls;

O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? -Romans &:24

Ask thee a sign of the LORD thy God; ask it either in the depth, or in the height above. - Isaiah 7:11

& he said, hear ye now, O house of David; Is it a small thing for you to weary men, but will ye weary my God also?

Therefore the LORD himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, & bear a son, & shall call his name Immanuel.

Butter & honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, & choose the good.

For before the child shall know to refuse the evil, & choose the good, the land that thou abhorrest shall be forsaken of both her kings. -Isaiah 7:13-16